Don’t Wanna

 

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“Don’t Wanna.”

The two words made everyone in the grocery line freeze in terror.
The three-year old stood,
feet planted apart,
hands clenched at her side,
head lifted in defiance.

This was a temper tantrum.

As a mother myself I knew the signs:
there was no stopping this train.
It had already left the station.

I was oh, so glad that it wasn’t my child.

But when I read my Bible the next morning a phrase hit me:
For those who are led by the Spirit of God are the children of God. (Romans 8:14)

My train of thought went something like this:

I am a child of God.
What a comforting thought.
Father/daughter images of post bathtub snuggles,
and bedtime story reading fill my head.

How wonderful…
*smiling all proud like*

But wait…
*furrowed brow of confusion*
the Bible refers to me as a child...

A defiant,
hand clenching,
anger filled child!

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Hadn’t my own children just interrupted me that morning,
after I’d gotten knee deep into my work?

I had a plan,
a carefully laid out plan.
It was what I wanted to do.

But God said no.

And what was my first reaction?

Don’t Wanna.

In fact, that was my default setting.

My child, this direction.
Defiance.
But this will make you smile.
Hands clenched.
This will hurt for now,
but it will bless you later.

Feet planted.
I know that path is well worn,
but it’s not the one I want you to take.
Full. Blown. Temper. Tantrum.

How many gifts have I missed?
How many blessings have I ignored?
Because I didn’t want His way,
I wanted my own.

No matter that his gifts are good and perfect.
I’d much rather sit playing with my broken crayons,
then see the jewelled miracles and blessings he offers in the everyday interruptions.

Tonight my youngest comes running.
Tears marring her cheeks.
No physical marks,
only a battered heart.

On the tip of my tongue are the words:

Not now.
Too busy.
You’re fine.

Instead, I close my laptop,
and take her into my lap.
Yes, Lord.

Her feet nearly touch the floor.
A head covered in soft ringlets rests on my shoulder,
instead of under my chin.
How long until…

My child, this is a moment to take ahold of,
too soon it will pass.

I hold her close to comfort her,
just as my Father does for me.
Yes.

It’s Good.

No.
Perfect.

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When has an annoying “Don’t Wanna” moment turned into a blessing? Try to find moments in your day to transform your “Don’t Wanna” into “Yes”. I’d love to hear your thoughts!

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14 thoughts on “Don’t Wanna

  1. It happens often when I take the time to recognize it. Such a good post, full of heartfelt truth.

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  2. Ooooh, my eyes dropped when I saw the bit about the tantrums. I have had some disappointments lately where I aimed my full wrath at God. Nice poke Karen!

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    • Aw Loraine, it’s OK to be disappointed! It’s what we do with that disappointment that is important. No poke at you, my friend. I had a tantrum not too long ago which sparked this post. <>

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  3. Ah, such wisdom, Karen. Thanks…

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  4. Thanks for reminding us how precious we are in God’s sight – no matter what!

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  5. There are times I ignore my girls preferring to play with the imaginary characters in my head. How blessed we are that God doesn’t get distracted so easily. Great reminder, twin. 🙂

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  6. I’ve sometimes had the same reaction to my kids, and try to remember that one of these days they will be grown and I’ll be missing them. Your imagery and poetry are beautiful.

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  7. Ironic how our children wanting attention so often brings out the don’t-wanna-child in us. 😉

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